In light of the world coming to an end, the stars recently decided join the bandwagon with the year 2012 and global warming. Apparently, all of you who think you're happily settled into your zodiac sign are about to get a rude awaking. Make room for the new and exciting "Ophiuchus."

It sounds like it should be the new alcoholic energy drink designed to replace Four Lokos, when in fact it's the ruling planet that will control all emotions and qualities of those born between mid-November and mid-December. It sits snuggly between Scorpio and Sagittarius, shifting all other symbols as well.

Here's my question: What kind of authority do you have to do have to be able to add zodiac symbols? What did that guy's résumé look like? I wonder if he woke up one day and said, "You know, I think I'm going to mess with the way the stars align and alternate the universe and galaxy."

The symbol looks like a man with snakes coming out of his body or acting as limbs. Surprisingly, not as badass as you think. I'd rather it be a giant serpent with a feather for a tongue or something. That I can get into.

I've done some research, and I can't find the qualities and horoscopes for those of the new sign. So, fortunately, I'm here to help choose what makes up a perfect Ophiuchus.

To begin, you are of the same descent as Slytherins, and therefore probably have magical tendencies. You are sneaky, sly, serious and all other adjectives beginning with an "s," because I like the alliteration. Also, just for fun, you're good jumpers, have a keen sense of smell and can often tell when it is going to rain. Starting to sound pretty good isn't it?

However, it seems there has to be some sort of repercussion to those who have switched horoscopes. For example, I've read about people who have tattooed their signs onto their bodies and are raging out against the discovery. So, if you originally were a Taurus and now you're an Aries, now you just have a dumb bull printed on your forearm and have to come up with some story about your love of farm animals.

Furthermore, it makes me feel a little bit iffy in general about all of our notations about outer space. I think they're just making s*** up. First, Pluto isn't a planet anymore, and now you're telling me we pass through the path of a snake man constellation that we've just been missing for the past forever years. I'm disappointed in ancient Greece and the Mayans. They should have been on top of this.

Overall, hang in there zodiac freaks. Hopefully some prophet will come along and dub this all wrong and we can go back to feeling secure and confident in our astrology. Until then, I say embrace your Ophiuchus selves and revel in your 15 minutes of fame as the new constellation on the block.